Constructive critism/praise for helping me improve my scene?

I didn't read all of it due to the clumpedness( please skip lines on paragraphs in the future), but It seems to be pretty good, from the bits I had picked up. It seems as if your use of adjectives is at a good middle. Make sure to mention in the story that the dude-man has terrible grammar. And BTW- "It weren't an accident. . ." - just too much darlin.' I know slang and improper use of grammar, but thats just too much. A person would know while speaking that that just doesnt sound right.