HELP!!! SHOULD I SUBMIT THIS ESSAY YET? IS IT INTERESTING?

There are so many cliches in your descriptions and your plot for that matter. The story moves too fast, doesn't bother to describe any scenes and is full of punctuation errors. I would rewrite this whole thing, several times, before even thinking of continuing. You also clearly need to learn the "Show, Don't Tell" rule of writing. If I were you, I would just scrap the whole thing and try again from the beginning bearing in mind what I just said. Good luck.